Elon, boychic, welcome to the tribe!

Elon, my man! Bagrisn aheym mayn bruder! Welcome house, my brother!

Oh sorry, Getting forward of myself. Final Monday, the world’s richest man, Elon Musk, visited Auschwitz and declared himself “aspirationally Jewish.”

As somebody who is just not aspirationally however really Jewish, that may be a gradual pitch proper down the pipe. A man’s gotta swing.

Judaism is a good faith. That reality usually will get misplaced, what with all of the individuals hating us and wanting us useless. Nice meals. Nice traditions. Not a number of inflexible guidelines, apart from the Orthodox.

However is Jewishness one thing one “aspires” to? Does anybody want to aspire? The bar could be very low. You wanna be Jewish? Be Jewish. It’s not like anyone’s going to cease you. Purchase a pair of candlesticks. Say Sabbath prayers.

You don’t even have to try this. In my ebook, you’re Jewish when you say you’re.

Which Musk just about did. Although he appears to assume Judaism is one thing you get from shut contact with others, like pink eye.

“Two-thirds of my pals are Jewish,” Musk mentioned. “I’ve twice as many Jewish pals as non-Jewish pals. I’m like, Jewish by affiliation.”

It doesn’t work like that. Having Christian pals doesn’t make me Christian, I hope. Rule of thumb: For those who’re utilizing your mates from a sure group as a human defend to deflect expenses that you just’re really a bigot who hates that actual group, you then in all probability are.

Which reminds us: Musk’s outstanding theological self-transformation doesn’t spring from nowhere. It was final November, not that way back, significantly when discussing a religion that goes again to historical Babylon, when Musk declared the thought of Jews — then a individuals fairly aside from himself — pushing “hatred towards whites” whereas welcoming “hordes of minorities” to be “the precise fact.”

To his shock — isn’t he suppose to be some type of enterprise genius? As a result of me, I’d have seen that coming (savviness; an alleged Jewish trait) — the X advertisers began bolting in droves. Resulting in Musk’s in-the-trenches conversion.

Supposedly. Skepticism is one other Jewish high quality. So let me roll my eyes and be so daring — once more Jewish, although we name it chutzpah — as to level out that Musk doesn’t actually need to be Jewish. Slightly, he’s studying from the “Heck, I’m Jewish myself” playbook, a cliche amongst haters.

Suppose. What different controversial public figures declared their sudden Jewishness? Musk’s not the primary. We Chicagoans shouldn’t need to grope for an instance. How about Louis Farrakhan?

He turned hatred for Jews right into a type of facet hustle — at any time when media consideration wandered from his stemwinder speeches, he may reliably snag a bit consideration by specializing in the Jews’ supposed plots towards him. (And what inept plotters Jews appear to be! We’re just like the Keystone Cops. Blundering after Farrakhan for many years and but there he’s, age 90, and we haven’t bought him but.)

Farrakhan often professed a change of coronary heart. Like in 1996, when he introduced his father’s mother and father had been Jewish.

“I consider that in my blood, and never in a nasty approach,” he instructed The New Yorker. “As a result of once I was a bit boy I used to like listening to the Jewish cantors in Boston. They’d a program, and each week I’d pay attention. I used to be struck by the cantor, and I’ve all the time cherished the way in which they sing or recite the Torah.”

Humorous, that tone of nostalgic respect for Jews by no means labored its approach into the Founder’s Day speech. A pity, as a result of anti-Semitism actually hobbled Farrakhan. A reminder: Haters find yourself hurting themselves as a lot as anybody else. Ballyhooing bigotry is why the social media platform Musk paid $44 billion for in October 2022 is now price perhaps $10 billion.

Don’t count on a Musk bar mitzvah anytime quickly. Like his buddy Donald Trump, Musk has an extended historical past of claiming stuff that by no means occurs. Musk got here to Chicago in 2018, bear in mind, held a press convention with Rahm Emanuel asserting the high-speed underground prepare he was going to dig from the Loop to O’Hare. By no means turned over a tablespoon of earth.

He can jawbone about his aspirations to being Jewish. But when Musk takes as a lot as a mouthful of gefilte fish, I’ll be shocked. If Musk actually desires to assist the Jews, he’ll keep gentile. Jews want Elon Musk like a gap within the head.